Chericken: Disaster Date
by Chericken
Summary: Ricken comes over to Cherche's tent for a date. Will the young mage be able to impress her or will the evening spell disaster for Ricken?


It was a cold autumn evening the Chrom crew. In her tent, M'Cherche sat alone gazing out of the entrance at the quickly setting sun as it casted its last evening light on the valley. Suddenly, a silhouette came into view of Cherche and approached the opening, coming closer as if it were GROWING. It stood at entrance of the tent partially blocking the setting sun's rays from Cherche. Though the glare made it impossible to make out the face of the figure, Cherche knew there was only one character that could be no more than five foot tall while wearing that monstrosity of a hat.

As the vertically challenged mage entered, Cherche stood to greet him, "W-welcome, Ricken," she stuttered, "Please, have a seat."

"Hang on," uttered Ricken. He turned to the coat stand that stood beside the entrance, took his hat, went on his tiptoes and hung it on the hook. "Heh – didn't even have to use the stool," he muttered to himself before strutting over to the table in the centre of the room and sitting down.

"You knew the rules, Cherche. I won the bet," he expositioned. "And now," he licked his lips, "you have to date me." Cherche winced at the thought of spending an extensive period of time with a kid who had earned the reputation of being "he who must not be trained" but she felt obligated to anyway because of plot reasons and so she continued preparing their meal.

"So Cherche, when are my tendies ready?" asked Ricken excitedly.

"The hell you talking about, kid? I'm cooking some real food." Cherche snapped back at him.

"Gads sake woman, I sent you the recipe by owl. Didn't you read it?"

"Ricken, you don't even have an owl. Are you still pissy that Hogwarts didn't accept you?"

"Fuck off."

A SHORT while later…

After calming down, Cherche brought over the food and they started on their meals, though Ricken was having trouble eating his bear meat because Cherche forgot to cut it up for him. Bear meat was the least of his worries, however. Ricken could sense the awkward mood in the room and desperately needed to change it if there was any hope of him getting laid tonight.

Ricken reached down and pulled up a bottle of wine which he apparently brought in. "Here, Cherche," he said as he handed the bottle to her, "I'm too young for wine anyway, you can have it. I heard that they only use grapes ripe for picken in this wine." He knew that getting Cherche drunk was the only way he was going to get her to be his waifer.

"T-thanks Ricken," Cherche accepted thinking that drinking might make her feel better about her life. After all, acknowledging that she was on a date with a mage worse than Miriel made her want to drink her problems away.

A few glasses later and Cherche's reaction time was almost as slow as the mage that sat across from her. But Ricken thought to himself again. If he was going to get some of that sweet Rosanne ass tonight, he would need more than just to get her drunk – he would need some seductive lines to seal the deal.

Ricken slithered over to Cherche's seat and with effort put his arm over her shoulder, "Cherche, baby, you're hotter than Arcfire," he whispered into her ear.

"T-thanks, y-you too…" Cherche replied.

Ricken could sense Cherche's arousal, now he was ready to go in for the kill. With his mouth still against her ear, he licked his lips once again and whispered, "You make my dicken thicken, if you know what I mean."

"What the fuck did you fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know Minerva and I have over 300 confirmed kills on Valmese scum and I won't tolerate you talking about me in that appalling matter. Now scram before I let Minerva eat you whole, you wee shit."

"Oh crud," Ricken scrambled for the exit but was stopped short as he crashed into a giant of a man who stood blocking the entrance of the tent. Ricken fell onto the ground and look up at the titan who he recognised from a long time ago (but for Ricken that was like six months). This was the man who crushed Ricken's dreams, "H-hagrid? Is it really you?" he stammered.

"My name is not Hagrid! IT'S HAGRIDOOM!" the colossal man bellowed to the whimpering mage. [AN: This is my original OC character, don't steal or you will be sued.] Ricken was awestruck; this man's magnificence could not be rivalled by anyone in Chrom's army (except Kellam, of course, but he had been missing for the last week). Ricken remained silent until Hagridoom spoke again, "I got 'ere as fast as I could. I heard THE Ricken was on a date wit' a poor lass an' I couldn't just let 'er succumb the Ricken."

The fright in Ricken's eyes were slowly turning into anger, "Don't look down on me. I'm not just some kid." He was just about to get laid before this fat-ass interrupted his perfect evening, after all. Hagridoom, being the cool and edgy dude that he is smirked at Ricken's frustration.

Ricken looked up at him, "Now I remember why I don't like big guys. I'll show ya who's yella. Put 'em up." Hagridoom was slow to react, dumbfounded by Ricken's suggestion. By the time he raised his arms, Ricken had already uppercutted hitting him right in the chest. Ricken proceeded to throw a volley of punches all being met by a metallic clang that indicated no damage being dealt.

"Oh no… He's got me pinned in the corner." cried Hagridoom.

From across the room, Cherche shouted to him, "Get him, Hagridoom. Don't let him to it." Ricken's fist was swinging when Hagridoom reached for it. The next minute Ricken was flopping like a fish on a line, his closed fist was lost in Hagridoom's edgy hands.

"Leggo of him, Hagridoom. Let go," said no one.

Hagridoom held Ricken in closed fist, letting him flop around for minute. "Pssh, nothin' personnel, kid." he said before throwing Ricken's broken body across the room where it lay unmoving.

"How ironic for such a little guy to fail so hugely," Cherche said before turning to Hagridoom. "Thank you, Hagridoom. You really saved the day."

"It was my pleasure, m'lady," Hagridoom said smoothly before retrieving Ricken's hat and tipping it in a slick yet edgy manner. As Hagridoom left, Cherche tidied up the table and went to bed. She was not sure whether the mangle of Ricken in the other room was still alive but she did not care enough to check. Either way, she knew Ricken would never bother her again and with that knowledge she quickly went to sleep.

FIN


End file.
